It has officially been 2 weeks since Clint pulled out of port in San Diego. 2 weeks and 2 days since he and I said our final face-to-face goodbyes in Oak Harbor. Even knowing the exact number of days, time has still managed to play tricks on me. On one hand, it seems like time is going by rather quickly and that we are on the fast track to getting this deployment over with. But taking one look at a calendar jolts me right back into reality as it reminds me that the end is no time soon.
When he first left I found myself crying all the time. Thaaaaaank God that has pretty much stopped but now I just kind of feel numb. I don’t feel depressed by any means, but I suppose I just don’t really know what I feel at this point. I’m not overly happy, but I’m not really sad either. I’m lonely but would rather be a homebody than go out. Part of me feels guilty. Guilty for a couple reasons I guess. I mean in the grand scheme of things I have the sweet end of the deal. I still have my comfortable bed, my 9-5 desk job, time to anything I want or nothing at all for that matter. He on the other hand is sleeping on a 3 person bunk bed, eating worse than prisoners, working 15 plus hours a day, and never gets a day off. Who am I to be complaining and saying this is difficult? I almost hate sharing my day with him because I know his is so bleek compared to mine. And as I start to feel more “ok” that he is gone, does this mean I am starting to care less? You don’t have to tell me, I know that is a stupid question because I will never care less about him… but something just feels kind of wrong about being “ok” with the fact that the love of my life is far far away and not coming home anytime in the near future. I don’t really know, it’s just weird. What’s even weirder still is that I have tackled and dealt with all these emotions (or lack there of) in the past, yet I still feel like a newbie at this. You’d think after 2 deployments it wouldn’t be so rough? Whoooooo knows! Maybe the 3rd time will be a charm hahaha.
To completely and abruptly change subjects, I have a dinner date with some of my closest Navy wives tomorrow and this is something I can say I am genuinely excited for. There is just something about getting together with people who are in the exact same situation as you. You don’t really feel like the black sheep in the crowd. You can talk in about military things without getting blank stares. You can talk in less words because the mutual feelings don’t need to be explained or defended.
Welp, I’m out of thoughts for the evening. Goodnight moon!