Today I was an emotional wreck, I can count at least 4 times that I completely burst into tears at work today. AWESOME. I’m fine now, but the whole point of this blog is to write about how I’ve felt so here ya go.
Finally after 8 long years of sea duty, Clint is finally up for shore duty this coming June. Woohoo! Shore duty means 3 years of no deployments, and the time to do all the things we’ve had to put off. Certainly reason to be excited, but it definitely brought a whole mess of other emotions along with it. Last night I got an email from Clint with the most current list of our options, accompanied with no more detail than “they still suck fairly badly”. Thanks to oh so reliable communication on the ship, that was the last I heard from Clint.
I’d be a big, fat liar if I tried to say that I wasn’t disappointed with our options. Don’t get me wrong, we would make the best of any location that we were sent. But let’s be real here, if you are going to live somewhere for 3 years the average person would prefer to be in a location they actually wanted. We fall into this average category, and to us options like Norfolk and El Centro are far less than desirable. After getting the list but not being able to further communicate with Clint, I tried to talk to a few Navy friends about it but lost energy and went to bed.
The next morning I was just DRAINED. Even with a bedtime of 9:30 I felt like I hadn’t slept a wink. By the time I got to work all this emotion had just brewed up inside of me and I was struggling to keep it in. Having close work friends did not help my case because as soon as they asked, I just broke down. I’m not talking like hyperventilating sobs, but my tears were certainly obvious to anyone walking passed. There was no controlling it, the more I tried the more I cried.
Since Clint deployed again, I’d like to think that I’ve been holding it together rather well. I certainly haven’t always felt fine, but I’ve done pretty good at telling myself & others that I am. But receiving the news, in combination with not being able to communicate with Clint, was the straw that broke the camel’s back. It was the cherry on the emotional ice cream sundae that I’d been building up over the past couple weeks. 2 deployments within one year is hard enough to handle…but add life changing decisions that seem to not be in your favor, with a dash of not being able to just pick up the phone to discuss? Sheesh. Then there was the whole idea of lost hope. We had been so badly hoping that after all of Clint’s time, hardwork & sacrifice we would finally get some good news. I guess that’s where we went wrong though – when you get your hopes set too high, you’re almost always bound for disappointment. Either way, that’s why I broke down today. If you saw me crying in the hallway, now you know the reasons why.
Like I said earlier though, I am ok now. Communication from the ship picked back up and I’ve been able to get many of my questions answered. I have even been able to hear Clint’s voice twice tonight. We have some angles we are going to try to work, and some people that can maybe pull strings. So who knows, maybe all hope isn’t lost. Time will tell and I’ll keep you posted.